[written during the second wave]

Trans men and masc gender nonconforming folks are often infantalized for a ‘soft boy’ appearance, especially if we aren’t or don’t need to be on testosterone. The lack of facial hair and deep voice traditionally associated with cis men or ‘manhood,’ often has folks deeming us as twinks for life.

I’ve always wanted to erase my past performance of ‘womanhood,’ an itchy outfit that never fit, making every interaction layered with an apology for the awkwardness I didn’t know how to name.

I might be 23 years old, but it seems like I only started living two years ago — the dissociation with the 21 years before I embraced my identity, is something that I’m still grappling to understand rather than erase.

It’s confusing to live in these dualities of the past in the present, while the future creates itself. But I’ve embraced this imposed youth — gender is not defined or restricted by these traits that heteropatriarchal societies insistently and desperately cling on to.

At the same time, it’s easy for me to say this because I have the privilege of accessing safe spaces during this time where I’m not being forced to interact much with the world outside my home for my livelihood.

The times that I have broken the lockdown bubble, it’s common to be stepped over, pushed aside, etc., maybe because people perceive me as a child (not that they should be stepping over children); or maybe they’re annoyed that they don’t know what to make of me; or maybe they just have somewhere they need to be.

I don’t care much for all that, except for the loop of how reactions to visibility lead to steps towards invisibility — to be gender-nonconforming where conformity is the norm, and to be immediately made invisible because of it.

Anyway, this thoughtspiral initially started out as a joke: when I went to get vaccinated, my deadname was preceded by ‘Baby’ which has probably been the most confusing form of recent infantilization to laugh at (the second photo holds evidence).