My playlists recently, have been in disarray. While RENAISSANCE by Beyoncé and Planet Her by Doja Cat have added stability and groundedness to my all-over-the-placeness, I know that I need to start preserving them.

It’s only a matter of time till an album becomes synonymous with the beats of overthinking thoughts. A rhythm can only be disrupted so many times before it starts resembling the rhythm itself.

I haven’t had the capacity to fall in love with songs outside my library, but as always, King Princess has come through as a saving grace.

Change the Locks and Cursed from this angst royalty aligns with the core of my state of my mind: a nostalgia of the present.

Transitioning has taught me how becoming oneself occurs across multiple timelines. I can rant about how bruised my ego was when the bartender called me a 14 year old boy. But who am I, if not a 14 year old boy in this present?

This isn’t the first time I’ve been in the nostalgic present – it’s been a constant in growing in and out of touch with myself. What better way to deal with these dimensions than to scroll down my monthly playlists to the time I chipped away at the scratchcard of my performative identities?

Talia by King Princess taught me that my capacity to love isn’t restricted by someone else’s gender. This Is Home by Cavetown gave me the language to find how imposed genders are designed to cage the possibility of love one could have for themself, and for others. Cringe by Matt Maeson and idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish helped me confront the stranger in my mirror. Agnes by Glass Animals helped me grasp onto how grief grows beyond the person you lost into the parts of yourself you lose with them – it is always already too late when you realize what’s been lost.

Every song goes far beyond the few minutes spent with it. I’m grateful for all the artists who saved me, my transness few years ago: thank you for helping me become, wherever you are.